new york state of mind

i was thinking about why it is so hard for me to write sometimes on tumblr. and i came to the conclusion that the entries that i post and the shit that i say is all just words. and you know how if you see do hear or repeat anything enough times you eventually grow numb to it? i figured it applies to the words i say. the words i write on this blog. my words, the things inside my head that i believe are so profound, only come out as decent if not incongruous posts because my vocabulary is not nearly enough to or capable of containing the thoughts i have. when i say something, no matter how poetic i try making it sound, or how beautiful or how hilarious, it can only come out as mediocre to some, and garbage to most. so i thought about it some more and i realized why i loved using twitter. because using less and less words makes it harder to judge someone’s thoughts and opinions. it makes every character special because you only have 139 more to formulate whats in your head. but when it comes to posts longer than that limit i resort to this site. and i have so many thoughts in my head at once, i can probably write a new post every ten minutes. but its not so easy. people will never understand you 100%, unless it is catered to them. so why bother? cause the majority of my blogging is catered to myself. where am i going with this? oh yeah. my uncle is in a coma. when the hospital called, they said he had 24 hours to live. i saw my dad cry for the first time in years. i have never felt so useless in my life. i realize life is so very short. i am losing people who matter to me at a rapid pace. and there are little replacements, if not none. it is time to start living like life is indeed short. family first, then school, then everything else. when i get my priorities fixed, there is no one who can stop me from being successful. there is no one to tell me i am not sufficient. because after all, the shit coming out their mouths is just words. and ive been hearing shit all my life and i have grown numb. my mind is numb. my heart still beats though. i am full of life, regardless of how short that life may be. so watch me seize the fucking day. there’s a new sheriff in town and it ain’t reggie hammond

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” —Steve Jobs

there’s this co-worker of mine at pb who’s pretty damn fly but i don’t know how to approach her cause i can hardly speak any korean. she keeps catching me looking at her when i’m not doing anything. i need to growwwwww sum bawlz…

short anecdote— there’s like this huge tray full of shit that she hands to me but it slips out her hand and it falls all over the place making mad noise. i take the blame and she starts laughing woooweeee

alright this is gettin silly

i’m tryna start tumblr again but not give too much of a fuck about it at the same time. cause i’m not doing tumblr for reblogs i’m doing it to read my boys’ posts and see what’s up with them. and the occasional girl entry that hits home that makes me think. which is ironic in mad ways but if you don’t think about it too much it makes sense. just leave me be and if you’re wack unfollow me simple as that.

another thing is my boy passed away recently and i’m going crazy. he was the kid that everyone respected, liked, appreciated all that kinda shit. and he was like my first legit high school friend. he made me laugh that gut bursting unbreathable laugh. whenever i was with him i felt loved cause he knew how to keep me company within a circle of kids i didn’t know at the time and he cracked the right jokes that opened me up. i always told myself that the next time you were in ny i would spit frees with you and aidan and whoever. cause i wanted to show you what i could do in a cyphe like it was the one thing i knew you would be down for. it makes me think like i gotta start taking more initiatives and doing shit that i want to do in life asap cause you never know. you really never know. i have so much more to say but this isn’t the place to say it. blair dorner rest in peace. i know you’re smiling down on us. my heart goes out to your fam. 

and i’m too lazy to switch this text post to an audio so:

pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on

see you on the other side my friend

sometimes when a girl throws out her arms for a hug, i feel like she’s giving me permission to rub my chest on her breasts. it sounds so stupid and i have no idea why i have so much to say about this topic but i do. i love when girls hug me first because i’m not really a hugging kind of guy. i like giving hugs, and i like getting hugs, but i tend to give girls a gentle little embrace without really squeezing her body into mine in an effort to avoid the inevitable squishing of her tits. this is why i like to give goodbye hugs before i go home. with my northface on and my backpack slinging on my side, it is almost impossible for a girl to press her chest tightly against mine. so she leans forward a little, moves her head to the side, and places her head on my chest as i breathe in the warm fragrance of her hair. those are the best hugs.

i know this is terrible for me to say, but i’m so glad people are getting rejected/deferred from their earlys. it makes me feel like i’m not alone, like i’m not the only f-ing person still stuck in this college process bs. as of now i only want royce to get into plme. fighting my dude

edit—

..whoops forgot danny had a tumblr. you too broski

edit2—

i should not have posted this…

why am i so torn? i have my friends, and i have my boys. i have my best friends, and i have my girls. wow, already i am confused

why is it that when i realize someone is into me i neglect them completely, but when i find out that the same person is losing interest i suddenly try really hard to get their attention? it’s like i’m always doing the right things at the wrong times